The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
