i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
