i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i came on her dog
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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