another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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