You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
