I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Randomize
