my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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