if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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