I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
