If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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