Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
