im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just pee around me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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