a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
