I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
