If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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