I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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