I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
my poor anus
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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