Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Randomize
