I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
