even my farts smell like vagina
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize