We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
