i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
