were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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