I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize