Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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