so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
