someone get that fucking seahorse.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
