My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
there is glitter all over my balls
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