I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
