Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
