Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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