It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
