My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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