I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
