At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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