yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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