I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
