He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
