is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
