I don't usually arrange sex via text message
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
