Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
