Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
