The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
