I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
