I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
