I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
vagina is talking i cant
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
