I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
