Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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