So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
