Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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