I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
