My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
