I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
