i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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