It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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