I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
