If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
