i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
