I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
