At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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