I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
